Going Back to the Start Line

It feels good to come here and write. I love writing. However, what brings me to write today is sad. 

Quite sad. 

It's probably clear to you that these are mixed feelings. I'd say sadness prevails at the moment, though. 

These past few days...  I wasn't feeling well. I cried like a baby last night. I cried to sleep. It's because earlier this week my trauma was triggered. A deep wound got triggered by a situation that I hate to call simple (it is). 

[By the way, all of this contradiction upsets me. I mean the contradiction of my faith in how strong, blessed, and growing I am on one hand, yet still a novice in front of a trauma I have been trying to heal for years. It feels like going back to the start line, to zero, to step 1. It feels sad, and bad. ]

I know I will reflect on this in a few days and add a few lines [that all of this is only a part of the truth ... only a part of the full story.]

You must have your trauma. I think most people do. I hope this post doesn't trigger it, yet if it does... then I hope it inspires some peace too. 

It's a path we have to take. I wouldn't run away. I want to heal. My heart deserves the light. 

Decoding Uncertainty (including COVID19)

There have been periods of high uncertainty in my career, relationships, and other personal projects throughout my life. Uncertainty, like that of COVID-19 that we are going through, is confusing and can be worrying. Yet, a few years back, during one of those uncertain situations, I realized that I have been following some good practices to face uncertainty. Though unpredicted changes will always make the human heart wonder and worry, having some helpful practices to keep during uncertainty can help us move forward with more calm and grace.  I share those practices here with you.

Here, I had just arrived at Cairo Int'l Airport.
I had a trip of 6 weeks for work and wasn't sure where I was going to stay yet. 

How It Started?

It was on one night at home, as I was anxiously thinking of what to do next, that I started experiencing a slight change in my inner state. I was having feelings of calm, familiarity, and strength. I saw flashbacks of myself in the serene Nature of the world. Right there, I asked myself: "What if I adopt the mindset, of solo traveling in Nature, right here when facing uncertainty at home?"

I liked the sound of it. I started reflecting deeper on how I make decisions while traveling and thus I derived the following 5 principles for Decoding Uncertainty. When I travel, and though I am usually alone in remote places in Virgin Nature, I am somehow always safe and very happy. It is mainly because I believe I am always loved and supported, and that I will be OK.

1. Feel The 'Why?'

Whether I am out there on the Holy Mountains of Colombia or down there on the Remote Beaches of South Africa, my heart pumps with my 'Why'.  It's a pure and blissful feeling that reminds me of the value of every step I take away from safe cities, into magical Nature. It is a natural, effortless voice that comes from within.

So, whenever you are going through an uncertain situation, ask yourself: Why am I doing this? Why am I in this relationship? Why am I running this business? It is likely that you will hear many voices within you. Keep it simple by listening to what your Heart tells you right then. That is your 'Why'.

2. Believe that Certainty is Boring 

I was strolling down the beautiful city of Sidi Bou Said
when I met this retired sailor.
Kind people are the jewels of my travels

Certainty and familiarity can kill the spark of life in your heart. Can you tell me how fun it is to play a programmed game that runs the same way, every time you play it? Certainty is not only boring but also dangerous and addictive. The more familiar and predictable your life is, the more you sink in certainty. This makes it harder and harder for you to grow and flourish by taking new adventures.

On the other hand, uncertainty is the space for growth. Through uncertainty you learn about your weaknesses and strengths. It is a great tool for exploring what you know and what you need to learn about something (be it a field of knowledge, a skill, or else). Uncertainty is full of excitement, rich with prosperity, and it is an abundant source for self-confidence.

When I reflect on some of the most uncertain paths I took in my travels, I realize how I was able to find those sunsets, secret beaches, exotic plants, and peaceful nights that were never possible had I not been adventurous and ambitious.

3. Focus on the Next Step 

The fear of the unknown makes us stay still in our places, unsure where to go. Yet, fear shouldn't mean we go nowhere. Look right under your feet, and take the correct next step. Let the road unfold as you move on. You don't have to know it all from day one. Believe me, almost no one does, but they act like they do.

In 2014, I recall arriving at a farm in Colombia at sunset to surprisingly find out that the host was unfriendly and was on some sort of drugs. I left the very next morning with a group of visitors (whom I knew were staying on the farm). Though I didn't know where to go next, I knew I had to leave and figure that out later on the day.

4. Be Resilient

First, differentiate between your expectations and reality. Keep a clear lens through which you can see what is going on. Second, such clarity will help you remain focused on your 'Why', so when an adverse change comes up, you will know how to detour. Mental flexibility and inner resilience will keep you on the right path even if you are changing roads.

Rarely do I plan when I travel, so I am used to not knowing where I would be going or sleeping the next day. This introduces me to worthwhile experiences that wouldn't have been possible otherwise. Flexibility and resilience can help you make the most of the journey. Who said everything had to be known or planned!

5. Take Rest and Celebrate

Trying to find my way back by hitchhiking
with nice people (No, I didn't stop that truck =) ) 

Taking an uncertain path can be exhausting, so make sure to rest and recharge once you arrive at familiarity or stability. Enjoy what you have achieved. I recall a friend of mine who did this after working hard on setting his business up for 4 or 5 years. How? He spent a year of 'minimal effort' to take rest, even though he knew there were new business opportunities to take. I find this wise and graceful.

In my travels, and once I arrive at a new destination, I take as much as I need to absorb the beauty of surrounding Nature. Be it the kindness of the villagers, delicious food, beautiful rivers, inviting mountains, or else. Such 'safe' indulgence in beauty and calm is the reward I reap for taking the uncertain path.


These are the 5 principles.


My first solo trip was to the city of Nice in 2010. I had everything planned, but I was scared and over-cautious. Yet, lately,  my trip to the Irani-Azeri borders (without a clue on where I was going to stay) was blissful and joyous. I was confident and resourceful. The more you practice those 5 principles for Decoding Uncertainty, the more confident and prosperous you will be. 

How I found God in Baku

So, there I was. The forth day (of the seven I had)  to spend in Azerbaijan.
I just started recovering from a flu I caught on my arrival, and I was feeling much better. So, I decided to go to the seaside though it was cold. I always love to spend time by the sea, so it didn't matter.

On my way, I went into a museum for Azeri culture and arts (can't recall its name, there is plenty of them in Baku). I had such a great time learning about Azeri singers and musicians from the 20th century. I went on to the Carpet Museum, which I absolutely loved. I know one day I will have one of those colorful hand made rugs in my home.

Then, I walked to the old city. I love it. Oh, Baku Old City! I love you.
I love that it is 800 or 900 years old. I love its narrow pathways, the old bricks and stones, the old trees, and the warmth all of this has to offer to me.

As usual, it is easy (and beautiful) to get lost there. I came across a building from where I heard some loud (but pleasant) voices, so I went in. I was completely surprised as if I felt a vibe I was already familiar with. It turned out to be the Iceshehir Center for Traditional Arts, where a group of artists works. They are specialized in visiting old places in Azerbaijan to collect the designs they see (patterns in mosques, old houses, etc.). Then, they gather these designs in books and re-produce them in the forms of jewelry, paintings, and pottery.

I bought these gold plated earrings from the Center.
They represent a shape commonly found in designs in the mosques of Azerbaijan

I asked if I could have a session in pottery (since that was the only option) but they apologized when they knew that I had 3 days to the end of my trip. It was not enough time. Then, I offered to volunteer with them since I saw they had a lot of work to do. The head of the center was welcoming, but the employee seemed to be worried about her work that she didn't seem to be receiving help from inexperienced people like me. Hahahaha. So, I thanked them and left.

I kept walking in the old city, got lost again, only to find myself in front of the same center. There, I decided to go in. Again. "There must be something I can do. Maybe a painting?" I thought to myself. And so it was! After some back and forth attempts, they said "Sure! You can do a painting". That was a pleasant surprise. (Sometimes, I really love how persistent I am!)

That is how I spent the 3 most wonderful days of my vacation in Baku. I used to spend 5 or 6 hours at the center every day.  I learned how to draw a geometric pattern, in several layers, and then paint it. Everything was wonderful. The vibe took my heart, but here is a very important moment that I'd never forget.

This is my work. Almost there =)

On day 2, the head of the center, a Syrian/ British gentleman, gave me a little tour around. He explained their work and how it originated. I was deeply moved when I learned that he has been studying the geometric patterns in nature and in ancient drawings with his English professor. "If you look carefully at flowers, e.g., you will start to discover the hidden geometry of the universe", he said. He went on and on for an hour maybe.

You know what? (and I told him this), I never knew there are many people who think so. I mean that beauty and faith are deeply interwoven into each other. For me, beauty is a very vivid concept, and I feel it is the most sensual, direct and transparent path to God. This very strong relationship between beauty and God, I thought, was personal to me and to a few spiritual people around the world maybe. Hahaha.

But! Learning that that wasn't true and that there is even much more to learn about this relationship between God and beauty took my breath away! That conversation brought tears to my eyes and made my heart dive deep into my chest. I felt now I am closer to God. I held the book of his professor in my arms and felt so calm. 

In front of the Center, I sat to read in the book that the head of the Center told me about.

I send so much love and gratitude to you, my loyal readers. Amongst the many things I am grateful for, which you are one of, I am so grateful for those unplanned surprising moments of deep beauty, and sensational spirituality that I am blessed with.

Travel Intimately

I was here yesterday, and I came back today. Something so warm and true brought me back to this place: The Baku Book Center.

When you enter the Center, your heart and eyes will take you to the beautiful stairway in the middle of the hall: a heart shaped stairway we are only used to see in the palaces pictured in old movies.

The whole building has a rustic and warm look, inside-out. I went upstairs to be surprised even more by the windows and ceiling. I saw teenagers and university students studying, as well as kids groups playing next to the windows.

My time at the Center mounted to about 4 hours, mainly at the cafe: reading, writing, contemplating and stitching. 

I recall a similar experience I had in Bangkok, a couple of months ago, when I found a cosy small bookshop where I spent a few hours picking a new book to read while enjoying the tea and banana cake. 

When I travel, I find it beautiful to relax and connect deeply with what would otherwise seem normal in our daily lives. 

These beautiful art pieces are every where at the Center. 

Good bye for now 😊

مغامرات الشعور

أحيانا كنت أجد نفسي في خضم موقف أو قصة حزينة ما، لا أدري كيف وصلت إليها ولا كيف وصلت إلي. فيعتري قلبي ألوان من المشاعر المزعجة، ويخالط فكري أشكال من الهواجس. يشبه شعوري حينها شعور العائم في وسط البحر، لا أنا على هذا البر ولا أنا على ذاك. محتارة، لا أريد المكوث في مكاني ولكن لا أدري إلى أين أتجه.

ورغم أن اعتمادي على ممارسة التأمل لتصفية بالي وتهدئة نفسي ساعدني، لكنني كنت أحتاج إلى تعلم كيف آخذ الخطوة التالية لأخرج من حزني. حدث هذا بعد ما فهمت أمرا غير مجرى الأمور، بإمكانك يا قارئي العزيز أن تسميه طوق النجاه أو قارب الحياة.

تعلمت أن أنظر إلى الإبحار في عالم المشاعر الواسع كتجربة. دعني أشرح لك، خاصة إذا كنت مثلي تحب الحياة وتؤمن ببركة المغامرة وسحرها. مثلا، لو التقيت بشخص لطيف، تشعر بأنه قد تجمعكما صداقة جميلة أو علاقة رومانسية لطيفة قد تنساق وراء مشاعرك، واثقا فيها، أحادي النظرة لا ترى غيرها. ورغم حسن نواياك،  وحتى لو كانت ردة فعل الآخر إيجابية، فالانقياد الغير واعي للمشاعر ليس مما يحمد عقباه.

خرجت إلى الريف التونسي لأتمشى في الجبال، وقد قيل لي في المدينة أقوال متضاربة عن إمكانية ذلك. فلما وصلت إلى سفح الجبل أخبرني أهل القرية بأنه لا أحد يصعد الجبال هناك لأنها ليست آمنة. فلم يخب ظني كثيرا وقضيت وقتي أتمشى عند سفح الجبل ونبع الماء، وكان يومي رائعا

طوق النجاة هو أن تأخذ القصة على محمل التجربة الواعية. فتبدأ مثلا بالمديح مما رأيت في الآخر، أو الاتصال للسؤال بين الحين والحين وتلحظ ردة فعله وعلى أساسها تقرر إن كنت تستمر أو لا. فإذا وجدت قبولا، تحاول معرفة الاهتمامات أو المعارف والأصدقاء المشتركين مثلا، ثم دعوته للقاء لممارسة النشاط معا. وتلاحظ ردة الفعل وتقيس وتقرر وهكذا. فأنت تكتشف مشاعرك ومشاعر الآخر وإمكانية الصداقة بينكما بوعي.

تجارب الشعور

هذا ما أحب أن أسميها، تجربة  حيث لها:
١. هدف: بأن تكتشف أو تتعلم أمرا ما عن نفسك أو الآخر أو علاقتكما الممكنة
٢. معطيات: ما تعرفه مسبقا عن مشاعرك أو أفكارك وما تعرفه عن الآخر ومشاعره وأفكاره
٢. فرضية: أنه إذا حدث كذا تتوقع أن يحدث كذا.

ما ضرورة التجربة؟
هي الوسيلة للتحقق من صحة الفرضية، أو إثبات عكسها أو إثبات أمر مختلف تماما.

التجربة الشعورية ضرورية للصحة النفسية، لسلامة قلبك وتنمية ذكائك العاطفي وتطوير علاقات رزينة قوية مستقرة. التجربة خط دفاعك الأول وصديقك الحكيم. بها أنت واعِ منتبه وفي تقدم دائم مهما كانت النتائج.

جرب =) أن تتبنى هذا الأمر في المرة المقبلة التي تريد فيها أن تبني علاقتك مع زميل أو مدير أو حبيب، أو أن تقبل على تعلم مهارة جديدة أو تنتقل للعيش في مكان جديد.